Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a face that seems to generate opinions. Indeed, so much aesthetic analysis and critical appraisal has been expended upon my facial characteristics over the years, I feel rather like a portrait by Picasso that has sprouted its own body and begun… [Continued]
How tough can it be to raise two kids? About twice as tough as raising one, right? Guess again. You see, when it comes to children, the normal laws of logic, space and time no longer apply. Raising two children is many times more difficult than raising one. How many times? No one is sure. Scientists have tried to measure it, but their instruments are simply not designed to withstand the withering levels of sarcasm involved in getting close enough to take readings.
Nevertheless, if (CONTINUED)
It’s the direction in which I’m least proficient and the one I think least often about. Perhaps it’s not surprising that I regard it a little differently from the rest. After all, compare it to the other directions. I often have occasion to move, say, left or right. The morning walk from my bedroom door to the bathroom would be impossible to survive without my ability to sidestep two frantic teenagers as they race up the hall one way with an undershirt over their head and then hop down it the other trying to put on a second sock.
Forward is very… (CONTINUED)
It was all rather thrilling. There she stood, balanced precariously on high, seemingly without fear and with no safety net to save her in the event of a fall. Then, with all the agility of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat, she continued her graceful progress forward, taking one death-defying step after another. I shook my head slightly in awe and wonder and asked myself, “How on earth can any woman walk in heels?”
I watched through the coffee shop window as she… (CONTINUED)
Advice can be good. Advice can be bad. Advice can be downright odd. Take the advice I got from a friend recently about my insomnia. Bun, if you can’t sleep, she told me, you should try something to give yourself eight hours of wind. This was, of course, a healthcare tip followed by a lengthy but dignified silence. Or perhaps it was a stupefied silence. In any event, I didn’t speak. I was too busy… (Continued)
Making photocopies in my company is an activity that—unbelievably!—still does not come with hazard pay. This is despite the fact that using the photocopier means getting within the blast radius of a colleague whose sudden, unexpected sneezes are picked up by seismometers on distant continents. At least, I assume she… (CONT.)
It was all rather odd. There I was, sitting in the living room quietly reading my book when suddenly my wife looked up from her computer.
“Is it still painful?”
“Is what still painful?”
“Your back, of course. How is it?”
“My… back? I, um…”
I paused. I was finding the conversation rather disconcerting. I hadn’t been aware there’d been any recent problems with my back. On the other hand, nobody ever told me anything.
“I think… (Continue)
I’ve always hated goodbyes. As I stood there in the unforgiving sunlight this morning, I couldn’t help noticing how time had taken my old friends and drained them of their youthful vigor, leaving them looking tired and weak. I didn’t dare speak to my friends, of course. That would have set tongues wagging. Instead, I nodded a simple farewell to all sixty thousand of them and… (Continued)
“Yes,” my father would say to my eight-year-old brother and me as he looked around the bedroom we shared, “A place for everything and everything in its place.” Then he would shake his head, burst into tears and be comforted as he was led from the room.
It wasn’t that we… (CONT.)
So there I was, talking a leisurely stroll through one of my past blog posts and minding my own business. I’d just left a verb and a direct object and was walking toward a perfectly nice indirect object when suddenly—Whoa! I almost stumbled over him as he lounged idly in front of me.
Startled, I looked… (Cont.)